Twilight Princess Review by NonConTwilight Princess had potential, but decided being EPIC! was far more important than actually being good. It’s slow, incredibly boring at times, and is filled with just as much frustrating filler as it is actually fun gameplay. Also, FUCK Zant. (2/5)
Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories Review by NonConChain of Memories is a good game that would have been a great game if it weren’t a Kingdom Hearts game. Combat is possibly the best the franchise has seen, and Organization XIII is actually cool in this one! (3/5)
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Trauma Team Review by NonConTrauma Team brings what was great about the Trauma Center games, and plenty of new gameplay modes. The story and characters are great, it just happens to be much too easy. (4/5)
Half-Minute Hero Review by NonConHalf-Minute Hero is a decent time waster, so long as you play it in short bursts. Not every game in this collection is great, but enough are that it’s worth checking out. It’s different, at the very least. (3/5)
Phantom Brave Review by NonConPhantom Brave shapes up to be a good NIS sRPG, with lots of content and a fast-paced battle system, but the asshole AI and downright insane amount of grinding kick it right back into shit territory. (2/5)
Nier Review by NonConNier has a perfect soundtrack, amazing characters, and incredibly moving story moments. The gameplay isn’t half-bad either. Unfortunately, it fails to answer some important plot questions, and the first twelve hours are awful. (3/5)
Megaman Zero Collection Review by NonConThe Zero Collection is good, because most of it is just Megaman X. However, everything new just detracts from the experience. Between grinding, rankings, and a consistently piss-easy endgame, you’ll be left wondering why you should bother playing it at all. After all, Megaman X Collection is cheaper and better. (3/5)
Metal Gear Solid: Portable Ops Review by NonConPortable Ops is the worst Metal Gear Solid game to date, unless Peace Walker somehow manages to surpass its awfulness. It adds nothing worthwhile to the plot, is nothing but an MGS handjob, and isn’t remotely fun. The disc its on is a better frisbee than a game. (1/5)
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Metal Gear AC!D 1&2 Review by NonConMetal Gear AC!D has some solid writing, but they still hadn’t figured out how to turn the Metal Gear games into a card based SRPG without causing hideous implosions. Still, keeping in mind that this is the first of its kind, you can’t help but give it some credit. (2/5) AC!D2 has more consistent writing, and fixes most of the problems with the gameplay. There are still a few problems, and it doesn’t have high moments quite like the first game managed, but it’s still one of the best experiences you’re going to get out of a Metal Gear game. (4/5)
Metal Gear Solid 2 Review by NonConMetal Gear Solid 2 is the black sheep of the MGS series. It’s not because of Raiden. Raiden is fine. It just creates an outrageous number of plot threads, and leaves them for other games to tie up. It wouldn’t be a problem if half of these plot threads weren’t so incredibly stupid. (2/5)
Metal Gear Solid Review by NonConMetal Gear Solid is a great game, just so long as you don’t take it too seriously. Unfortunately, the game tends to do that itself sometimes. The Twin Snakes version is the superior one, but either way you’re missing out by not playing it. (3/5)
Metal Gear Classic Review by NonConThe first Metal Gear for the NES is a horrible game. It takes what is supposedly a decent stealth game and absolutely ruins it in the process of porting it. (0/5) Snake’s Revenge: Metal Gear 2, on the other hand, is still pretty bad, but with save states several parts manage to be really fun. It’s not good, but you can’t help but appreciate how much better it is than its predecessor. (1/5)
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time Review by NonConOcarina of Time isn’t the best game ever, but it’s still fantastic. Even being two console generations old hasn’t kept this from being fantastic in almost every way. There are some control issues, and one or two story issues, but aside from that, it’s amazing. (3/5)
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Barkley, Shut Up and Jam: Gaiden Review by NonConIn spite of some writing mis-steps in the name of “parody”, Barkley Gaiden manages to be one of the most enjoyable jRPGs I’ve played recently. It’s short, funny, has great battle mechanics, and is even free! (4/5)
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Red Steel 2 Review by NonConRed Steel 2 will kill your arm with waggle, but the waggle is so damn fun you’ll barely mind. It has some loading screen issues, but it’s one of the most inventive and fun games on the Wii. You’re missing out if you haven’t played this gem. (3/5)
Mother 3 Review by NonConMother 3 is what most jRPGs wish they were. In its own words, Mother 3 is funny, strange, and heartbreaking. It has more emotion packed into fifteen hours of gameplay than Final Fantasy XIII had in its sixty. The gameplay is pretty fantastic, too!(5/5)
Mother Review by NonConMother is a game that proves jRPGs can’t just be a good story, because it has probably the best story on the NES. Sadly, the gameplay is broken beyond repair, and builds an impenetrable wall between the player and the story. (1/5)
Suikoden Review by NonConNonCon loses his patience with the archaic bullshit of PSX-era games and takes it out on Suikoden. Still… recruiting guys is fun! (1/5)
Strange Journey Review by NonConFor all intents and purposes, Strange Journey is the spiritual successor to Nocturne. It isn’t as good as Nocturne, and there are some asinine bits of dungeon design, but it’s still a brilliant jRPG, and highly recommended for anyone interested in the franchise. (3/5)
NonCon vs EbertThe long and short of it… Ebert: “Games aren’t art.” NonCon: “Suck a dick.”
