For most gaming websites this is normally around the time that we start gathering together a big list of Games of the Year, talking about our favorites overall and in various categories. However we here at Gamepad Dojo prefer to not bother looking behind and instead wish to look forward, and let everyone know why life will suck. It is for that reason that Noncon and I have decided to glance into the far-flung year of 2010 and explain why all the highly anticipated releases will be utterly awful. Ready? Go!

Army of Two: 40^th Day – Ah, yes, Army of Two. I never got around to reviewing it but I could just splice together a documentary on college frat parties along with Modern Warfare 2 and you’d probably have a good idea what the game was like. They’ve been touting new gameplay features such as the Trust system that advances the homoerotic bro-fist and chestbumping you do, as if the entire concept wasn’t gay enough. Count this one as a failure, though, because unless they take out the agonizing function of having the fire button also be the melee button this game can eat a dick.

Bioshock 2 – Maybe with this newest installation of Bioshock we can finally get half the promises made for the last game, and therefore make it just like System Shock 2 instead of just nearly. Actually, that brings me to…

Fable III – More faffing about than Assassin’s Creed except now you can be the king. Well, that’s awful nice, I suppose they’re taking out the ability to buy every house in the city with just giving them to you via a secondary quest. We can only hope that one day Molineux will decide if his game is an action RPG or a sim, and maybe on that day he’ll finish the fucking thing.

God of War III – Boy we are sequel-heavy aren’t we? Now we can finish the game SCEA gave to us the first half of three years ago. I heard its original development title was God of War: Revolutions. I wonder what excuse we’ll get to losing all of our powers all over again, Super Metroid style?

Heavy Rain – QTEs that costs 60$? Sign me up!

Mega Man 10 – You gotta hand it to Capcom, they found that magical button that spits out money via nostalgic fanboys of classic Mega Man, and it barely takes three months of development to program it all. Sheep Man might be the most retarded Mega Man villain since Steve Pierski started a gaming webcomic but they can’t hear it over all the money they’re making.

Super Street Fighter IV – You know originally I was kind of curious since they announced all the characters are unlocked from the beginning, both new and old, but then they mentioned making Seth even cheaper and I decided this game can go fuck itself, cause I’m not buying the same fighting game I hated again just because it has new characters. I’m too busy doing that for fighting games I love; thanks BlazBlue!

Project Needlemouse – AKA “Sonic Cycle VIII: Death and Return of Sonic.” You gotta hand it to Sega, they pick reviving Sonic and doing it right, and then spend two decades and forty games failing miserably at it. That kind of failure takes dedication.

Transformers: War for Cybertron – Um. This actually looks pretty cool.

Dante’s Inferno – I don’t know what mental defect that created Dead Space could possibly have hit Redwood Studios to think that every PR stunt imaginable including staging fake protests and requesting all convention attendants become creepy stalkers is a good idea, but after watching Dante stitch a cross into his chest with no explanation as to why, I became convinced it happened and I’d better just get to hating this game anyway.

Halo: REACH – Apparently ODST’s health system was so popular they’ve decided to keep it for this game. Imagine! First Halo spawned the idea behind regenerating health, now they’ve regressed back into medkits. I imagine soon every FPS will follow the same trend. In all seriousness I was kind of curious what the multiplayer was going to be like until I heard they’re introducing perks. I already own Modern Warfare 2, Bungie, thanks though! In all seriousness, I’ve started to look back on my time with Halo a bit less fondly as of late, and unless Bungie pulls some miracles I’m not holding my breath on this being much more than Halo 3: Good Edition (Featuring Halo: CE’s health!).

Castlevania: Lords of Shadow – The plot of Castlevania has always been tenuous at best, a complete train wreck at worst, often just being Dude with whips versus Dracula. It’s a good thing Kojima’s here to change all that! Now it’ll be overblown at best and Hiroshima at worst, featuring all sorts of covoluted plot twists and heel-turn stupidity, and maybe we’ll get more Alucard/Belmont fanfiction.

Max Payne 3 – Max Payne now is an old bearded asshole in the middle of Brazil, and it’s 12 years after the first game. One might ask ‘what does this have to do with Max Payne?’ That’s an excellent question, one Rockstar Vancouver seems to try their hardest to ignore. I’m glad they’re continuing the series though, since Max Payne was over eight years ago and there’s no way time-slowing and Havok physics engines could possibly be overdone or obsolete.

Metroid: Other M – We now have a Metroid game designed by Team Ninja. I can’t wait to see what Samus Aran’s alternate costumes are like, along with the mandatory volleyball minigame. I jest mostly, of course, there’s no way this game could be good because if it actually manages to beat both Super Metroid and Metroid Prime in terms of excellence I will upload a video of me punching myself in the balls.

Prince of Persia: The Forgotten Sands – The stupidest idea ever or the most obvious Ubisoft cash-in? Let’s follow it now, it’s a game based on a movie based on a game based on a book. Not even Street Fighter: The Movie The Game was this idiotic. Even better is the premise; the Prince’s brother. Who has his own kingdom. And apparently it takes place during the first game? Can’t we just do more Prince of Persia games without having to rehash the first game?

Kingdom Hearts: Birth By Sleep – I was momentarily excited about how terrible this would be after reading some plot spoilers. Then I found out Noncon was going to make me review it, and suddenly everything went dark and I now know what true terror is. I hope you all are happy.